I may not be pure but I’m not that toxic?
Shaking again, only because the haze revealed me the view for a minute and I realized
I let her deceive me once again, simply by not fighting for her attention, which makes it much easier to do whatever she wanted without letting me know. Yeah, it didn’t happen if you don’t know about it, right? Ah, it’s such a small detail, even if you knew, it wouldn’t matter that much, that’s why I didn’t tell you? What a joke, if she doesn’t realize it’s important why is she afraid to admit it?
So, trembling, disjointed, dismembered, a creature of self-loathing.
Expressing in English with a reason I can’t formulate and I don’t want to. I only know for sure that’d be the last post here and the first when the fallacy is gone.
Once I met the perfect girl, who was capable of loving me, and I left her because I preferred to be fair. Then she met the perfect boy but can’t be happy with him because she also dreams about the forgotten one.
Time will heal the wounds, as usual, but in my case it doesn’t cure feelings, my feelings, at least, so I could bet that when it hits me again I won’t be able to devote my life to her until some crucial damage is done. Break the circle, please.
It’s a pity something changed me and instead of being the perfect ex-boyfriend I can’t wish her all that I want because I’m sure that if she finally manages to put someone above her in her mind that’d be a proof I was never right. Yep, I definitely need to heal before I fall in love, as I simply don’t deserve the feelings I’m capable of. At least I still don’t want to reply or explain how much of it is out of the context as usual.
After all that’s been said, my final argument is ‘That’s just me’. As simple as that, it’s just me, and if she believes in the things she says I do, that I’m hurting her, instead of our problems, and that I’m humiliating her, and everything that comes to her mind - then there’s no point in us being together. But I’ve been saying this for months. And it didn’t change anything, the same way all my arguments didn’t.
How is it possible that the fact that I am driven to a state when I can lose my head and even deliberately insult, realizing how much it is going to hurt and nevertheless doing it, doesn’t mean anything? Let’s just ignore it, put him the easiest to apply label of them all - ‘man’. I know how much I could give, sacrifice, how patient I am. I even lost some of my closest friends because of this.
And almost everybody seems to repeat the same old thing, explaining me how it’s hard to break when you’re used to somebody. Breaking up with her was hard before we even were together. And it’s never been hard for me to do what I have to when I realize the time has come. That doesn’t mean anything as well, does it? Cause, see, even though I love you endlessly, I’m not satisfied until I hold you tight. But, darling, you simply never see. Meeting you three times for a month and a half - once because we had an anniversary, once because I had a birthday, once because you wanted to celebrate the New Year’s Eve - it’s that simple that even thinking of explaining it causes me pain.
After a year I still skip one of my favorite songs. Last spring I hoped I’d be able to listen to it when summer comes, now I’m so used to skipping it I do it without thinking. It’s funny how I think about a song as one of the worst things I’ve suffered because of her. Ok, an experiment, I’ll play it again and again, until I can’t breathe, the same way I asked her if it’s hurting her, again and again.
Anyway, I caught myself almost wishing Brandon would have a divorce so he’ll write songs about the broken-hearted again. Even the Deftones are happy today, and that’s just not right. It’s a normal development for most bands to eventually leave behind the phase I’m in but still, there’s a song about my Jennifer - even though in our case it’s without a boy holding her hand, proposing her a cigarette, there’s a song about my Natalie, but there’s one missing. I’d even accept it if the name doesn’t match this time, I promise.
I so desperately wanted to see her trying to understand me. I still do, I guess, as my feelings haven’t changed. Explaining to my friends is worthless because they do know what I feel anyway. At least they’re not broken and torn like hers. Sad goodbyes are one of my specialties, aren’t they? Accordingly, the second time I leave the fallacy behind would probably be the last one. Mind it, I don’t want it yet, I just have to.
Ruin it all, right? It’s already started pressuring me, so hard to remember what I wanted to say. So, drill it, until the pain can’t be denied. That’s the first time I ran away from a catharsis, it’s finally time to face it.
P.S. Instead of saving as a draft, I posted it. How untypical of me. And sooooo many mistakes…
