December 27, 3 A.M.
Mom told me another one of her dreams that she has been having. She said that she was alone on a field when thousands of birds filled the sky, blocking out all of the light. That’s when she always wakes up. Mom says we can see things in our dreams that we can’t see when we’re awake. I asked her what she thought the dream meant but she just smiled and said it was nothing . . . I’m glad I have the recorder and someone I can always talk to.
I have never seen a dead person. I think I would like to, but not right now because I want to close my eyes and not think about being dead.
August 10, 6 P.M.
Marie returned from vacation today and I have noticed several changes. One, she seems to be smiling almost constantly. I attributed this to her being glad that she was home, but when I asked her she just laughed and started painting a big yellow flower on her forehead. I then told her that I had met Mr. Hoover and she said that I was an establishment pig and that my heart was rotten and that I would never achieve nirvana. I told her that was not true, but that I would have to check my scout manual to see if an Eagle Scout was required to have nirvana or not. She just laughed again and started painting another flower on her face. I have since looked up nirvana and this is what it says: “A place or state of oblivion to care, pain, or external reality: a goal hoped for but apparently unattainable.” I am not sure what Marie saw in the Grand Tetons, but I believe she must have had a very powerful experience.
December 18, 7 A.M.
Had asthma very bad last night. Mom was up most of the night with me, and now I feel very weak. Will not go to school today. Had a dream in the middle of the night that frightened me a great deal. A man who I have never seen was trying to break into my room. He kept calling my name and said that he wanted me. He then screamed, and after a moment it turned into a kind of roar as if he were some kind of animal. I told Mom about it and she said that she knew about “him,” and that she has the same dream, and that I must never let the man into my room. I don’t understand what it means. My chest hurts a great deal. I think I will go to sleep now. I am very tired.
February 14, 4 P.M.
Received a valentine today. A large drawing of Marie in her cheerleading uniform holding baby Jesus. Wasn’t sure what to think.
March 11, 4 P.M.
A new girl arrived at school today. She has long blond hair, and has just moved from somewhere in the Midwest, where there are lots of cows and corn. I was seated next to her in the meeting at school today. When it was over she stood, looked at me, and said, “Hello, my name is Anne.” She shook my hand, and I introduced myself as Ale when I stumbled on my tongue. She has blue eyes and long, perfect fingers except for a small scar on her little finger. I have not been able to think of anything else all day long but her, and have never met anyone like her, even Marie before she shaved her head.
May 12, 7 P.M.
Mom told me that I have been acting strangely and that she was worried about me. Decided that she is right and that I must take action to feel better. Have come up with several plans:
Plan A. Eat semipoisonous mushroom and write letter to Anne from deathbed. She then comes to my side. Her presence saves my life and she falls in love with me.
Plan B. Blow up her house while she is at school and we take them in as an act of kindness.
Plan C. Blow up Nancy Nordstrom’s house while she is in it.
Plan D. Forget Anne and devote myself to becoming a better scout and member of the community.
Each plan has merit, and risk. Though all, I believe, will be very satisfying in the end.
May 20, 9 P.M.
Blew up Nancy’s mailbox and feel much better. Believe I am now ready for the long climb to Eagle Scout and a responsible role in the community.
June 10, 6 P.M.
School has ended for the year. Anne is moving back to the Great Plains, where her father has bought a large feed store. Saw her in the bookstore where she was buying a Willa Cather book for Nancy. Do not believe I will ever see her again but will always remember the first time I saw her and the sound of the mailbox blowing up.
July 25, 3 P.M.
Killed an animal today. A crow. One clean shot as it circled overhead, searching for a road kill. Have never killed a living thing before, not counting insects. When it was hit it began to tumble as if it had been tripped. Then the tumbling stopped and it fell straight down like a wet shirt. The feeling at first was much the same as when I stopped the bleeding on the severed hand at the print shop. I ran to where it fell into the tall grass and picked it up. And then the feeling was gone. I do not know why I shot the bird. At the moment I squeezed the trigger it seemed that the only two things in the world were the crow and myself. And now there is just me.
November 1, 7 P.M.
Have felt for a while that something was wrong. Do not know what. Mom had another dream last night. She said that he almost got in the door. Dad has been very busy printing maps of the moon. I asked him about the dreams and he said it was something I probably understood better than he did. I don’t, and am worried. Mom says that everything is fine, but I know that she is not telling the truth.
November 15, 5 A.M.
St. Joseph’s Hospital. Mom went to bed early last night after dinner. She seemed fine, told me to finish my civics homework and then went upstairs.
May 25, 3 A.M.
Just awoke from a dream where I was visited by Mom. She was not the same as I remember her. She seemed to be younger, barely a woman. Her face was smooth and pale, her hair was long and fell onto her shoulders. She was trying to tell me something, but I was not able to hear her. She reached out, touched my hand, and then was gone.
I woke to find myself clutching a small gold ring in my hand. I do not know where it came from, and am sure it was not there when I went to sleep. I believe she was here, and at the same time I cannot believe it. These things do not happen, there is an explanation for this as there must be for everything. The ring is now locked in the drawer of my desk. Mom is dead, and it was only a dream. I will not believe this.
May 25, 7 A.M.
The ring fits on my small finger as if it was made for it.
July 4, 4 P.M.
Marie lies on the swimming float in her bathing suit, reading a waterproof Bible. Observed her for some time when she was swimming from underwater with my mask and snorkel. Very much wanted to grab her legs from below and pull her into the mud.
July 14, 11 P.M.
Received news today that Marie drowned this morning at Promised Land Lake. She apparently hit her head while diving off the swimming platform. She was alone at the time, so there was no one there to know she was in trouble. When they found her it was too late.
I do not believe in goodness in the world anymore. What is good either dies or is killed. I know that if I had been there, I could have saved her. I also know that does not matter and that wanting something to be different will not make it so. Marie is dead, and I feel empty and sad.
“Thanks for saving my sneakers” was the last thing I will ever hear her say.
“Sure thing” I said back to her.
I want to remember it having been better than that. I want to remember saying all the things I had never said and wanted to say to every person I had ever known. “Don’t forget your civics homework.”
“Thanks for saving my sneakers.”
*Moments of silence.*
Sure thing.
July 17, 10 P.M.
They buried Marie today in a bright silver coffin. There were large white clouds in the sky. She would have liked that.
July 20, 1 A.M.
Do not see the meaning of it.
August 2, 4 A.M.
Cannot sleep, cannot sleep, cannot sleep.
August 15, 3 A.M.
Talked with Dad for much of the night. Both agreed that change is needed, or I will lose my marbles. Dad always seems to find the right words. Told him that I feel very guilty because I was not in love with Marie and that she might be alive if I had been. He said that the only way love ever affected death was in making it more painful. We both sat for a very long time without saying a word. Then he told me that we all fail, and that we would again and again, and that was just the way it was.
A strange thing happened last night. I woke to find her ring back on my finger. That is where it will stay.
*Several seconds of silence.*
This is me, Dale Cooper.
***
… changes every hour
