ruin it all

still haloed to crash the calm

gravity. grace.

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So what if a place in my broken faith is all you deserve?

Nursing a cracked rib is hardly fun. Unless you find it funny how laughing at some stupid joke makes me writhe in pain, which triggers even more laughter and more pain and yeah. Typically adolescent behaviour.

It got me thinking of my last somewhat major injury. Unlike this one, which occurred mostly due to stupidity and incompetence, the previous one was something genuinely worth the pain. It started with me skating around Canoe Lake and thinking about how good of a place it was for performing some sort of stunt involving wheels and water. A few months later I told A. about it and he was like, ‘Dude, we should totally do this!’ Six days later we were actually on it: J. got us some wooden planks and drove us around to collect everything else that was required, while T. was sleeping on the front seat and trying his best not to die due to a severe case of hangover. We dropped the ramp off at J.’s house and went to see Tek-One (whose remix of BMtH’s ‘Sleep With One Eye Open‘ I like quite a lot, although I’m a bit ashamed to admit so).

I remember seeing N. flirting with that cocky pretty boy I wasn’t even trying to like and texting everyone I thought might reply. I remember having a nice conversation with S. and him drunkenly repeating “These people… they are not good people…” again and again (which is a bit like “People like that are the only people here” but not quite). Next thing I know we were off to pick up the ramp, my fists clenched and, weirdly enough, my skin sensible to the wind I wouldn’t usually notice. Then everyone was getting stoned – as if they weren’t drunk enough – while someone was trying to put a few finishing touches to the ramp with a hammer without making too much noise as it was the middle of the night. A futile attempt, of course, but a valiant one.

4 AM and we’re walking across Southsea, carrying a wooden ramp and pushing a cheap steel bike. A. and the cocky pretty boy had departed (I wasn’t particularly disappointed about the latter), so it was me (looking like myself), J. (looking like a total stud), B. (showing a bit too much skin but cute anyway), T. (still a mess), S. (perhaps a bit too much of a pothead), and N. (the ninja delivery girl bartender). A taxi passed us by with some girls staring at us… Then one of them realised her and I were coursemates and started waving and talking frantically, in an “I know them! They’re off to do something exciting and I know them!” kind of way.

When we finally got to the lake I wanted to do the most with the few glorious moments that were no one else’s but mine but I couldn’t. I said my last words which were nothing more than a quote (“There is no fear in this heart“), I started pushing the bike uphill and that was it: I was alone with my own thoughts. They were probably still experiencing the moment but I was gone.

I walked away for long enough to lose the lake out of sight, which was lucky because once I started accelerating downwards and I saw it again, I realised how fast I was going and how tiny the ramp was and suddenly I was shaking with fear. But there was no going back and a few seconds later I was flying in the air, then crashing, the cleaning the blood of my face, while J. was laughing and T. was trying to capture it all on his phone and N. was suddenly sober and aware that I was a mess. I pushed the phone out of T.’s hands (apparently this had led to people shouting “Legend!” when watching it later) and tried to focus but couldn’t, so N. helped me take the wet t-shirt off and dry me up with my towel (I was pretty disappointed that no one had realised how funny it was that I had a towel with me… even the people who knew what it was all about). B. was trying to help but was too busy staring at my abs (I hate it that I remember this bit). I’m pretty sure she had a bit of a crush on me after all. I gave N. a hug but she didn’t understand what it was for and probably never will. She thought I was being clingy instead.

We got a taxi and I gave J. a 20 to pay the bill I never saw again (I hate it that I remember this as well). N. asked if I was okay.

I said, ‘Yes’.

A few seconds later I added, ‘Of course I’m not’. We’ve never spoken since. We probably never will.


Written by ruinitall

March 9, 2012 at 8:26 pm


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Maybeshewill’s AMA on Reddit from yesterday is a must-read for anyone interested in post-rock and/or DIY music making. Moreover, they posted this awesome photo.

Maybeshewill will play their first show in Bulgaria on May 7th September 24th.

Written by ruinitall

February 17, 2012 at 4:41 pm


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пет оправдания за наличието коледа:

1. mince pies (нямат месо!)
2. студът е нестуден
3. кънки
4. doctor who
5. наоми

1. изядох ги
2. няма концерти
3. коледни блогове
4. традиционната практика да се избълват колкото се може повече лоши новини през периода преди празниците, така че до началото на новата година всичко да бъде забравено
5. недостатъчно

Written by ruinitall

December 24, 2010 at 6:49 am

Posted in dark island city

C’è un fantasma tra noi due

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———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: 4 October 2010 18:16
Subject: Lacuna Coil / Maybeshewill / Sub Focus

Anyway, is there any chance that you might be able to arrange me an interview with Lacuna Coil before the gig on Wednesday?



———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: 5 October 2010 14:05
Subject: Fwd: FW: Photopass and Guestlist request: Lacuna Coil, Portsmouth, October

Am I good or am I good? Better get thinking of some questions! haha

<3 <3 <3

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: 5 October 2010 13:58
Subject: RE: FW: Photopass and Guestlist request: Lacuna Coil, Portsmouth, October


Thanks for the mail.

Yes of course – I can schedule an interview for 7pm – it would be with singer Andrea Ferro………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Страдам. :(

Written by ruinitall

October 5, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Posted in Слон?

hard bark on the family tree

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If the trees can’t replace the scars
Then let their leaves just bury me

Written by ruinitall

August 30, 2009 at 9:01 pm

all your friends say boston’s beautiful

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People staring at the I am a Bostonian today shirt and smoothies carton (bananas, pineapples and coconuts). I’m hardly bothered that M. decided to skip the trip and go to the wedding instead, what a waste of a Sunday for him. Hoping that she’ll text me back soon because I’m worried whether she’s fine, vaguely aware that S.’s probably still mad at me and wondering what’s an ant doing on my sneaker at the same time. I’m deep like that..

Okay, wake up, let’s go, leave the relative comfort of the damp bench. And take the headphones down, somebody is Oi!-ing at you. A boy and a girl, who seem to be fifteen or so, and she is actually hiding behind his back, which seems like a really sweet thing of her to do. And yes, they are going to the gig and have no idea how to get to the venue. Tough luck, isn’t it, to meet the least suitable person when it comes down to city orientation?

Eventually we stumbled on a map and thus it was decided that we’re on an adventure. It didn’t take that long to acknowledge that we’re moving in the right direction, so we continued. 200 yards further we had another brief discussion: shall we go back and take some notes about the route or get lost? Well, another five minutes later and we’re already lost. I’ve got a knack for it.

We ended up at the Commons, which are about twice as large as South Park, so it took me about a half of a heartbeat to fall in love with the place. In fact, I was even relieved when the cab operator thought I was making a joke and refused to send a car for us. ‘No, really, I would like a lift from the Commons to the Talking Heads, please.’ Off we go then, the path is leading us west, and I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be moving East. Oh, what a cute Golden Retriever puppie. It’s as cute as, erm, a Golden Retriever. ‘Lexy, come back!’ ‘Good doggie,’ I say repeatedly while patting her on the head and fighting off the compulsion to grab her and run for it. Everything is fine, keep smiling, wave goodbye, stop following me, please, you’re far too wonderful, and I’m, well, not well.

Then we’re passing through some tunnel and the graffiti on the walls haven’t been removed.. How untypical of today’s England.


Do I have any booze in the bag? Seriously? Not really, he smiles, gives me my ticket back, and takes a marker pencil out of his pocket for the X on the back of my hand. For some reason, ‘I’m Happy Your Grave is Next To Mine’ can’t get out of my head, while I pass by a New Bane 7″ This Summer poster. A stall with vegan cupcakes and cake. I’m content.

Mind if I check the schedule? Not at all, man. All the hardcore kids and junglists use “man” all the time, but it doesn’t sound lame anymore. Have Heart – 22:0015, 60 min. 15 minutes more to get to the station and I’m going to be half an hour late for the last train.


Fuck it. I am going to spend the night like a hobo in the park. Oh, and I ought to be at uni in the morning.


Fuck it. Deal with it. Rock’n’Roll. This is where I’m supposed to be in this very moment. Everything else is of a secondary importance, I’m not even sure if I care about the fact that I have just spent my last money on a T-shirt and am broke again. This is my therapy, my only sanity, within these walls is where I’m free; this is where I’m supposed to be, it’s one of these moments when everything is in place and the only thing you have to do is keep breathing.

Four hours later, sitting on the stage, staring at the nothingness.

Because if it’s you I love, then from you I’d walk away.
And your face:
on every leaf
of every branch
of every tree.

And then I’m rushing into the train station, jumping over the barriers, while my brain is, once again, affirming that there is no risk that’s not worth taking.

Written by ruinitall

July 20, 2009 at 7:29 pm